Self Consciousness
THE CURE OF SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
Daily speech offers one of the vast opportunities for eliminating self-consciousness. The student should aim here to develop definiteness of idea, sincerity of expression, and concentration of mind. Nothing leads so quickly to hesitation and embarrassment in a speaker as mental uncertainty. To speak confidently, he must not guess, or imagine, or take for granted: he must know. Lack of proper mental equipment is responsible for a large part of the fearfulness of men. One who really knows whereof he speaks, and is absolutely sure of it, is likely to be sure of himself. It manifests itself in his voice, his use of words, his manner, and his entire personality.
The speaker should cultivate sincerity in his conversation. He will avoid formal compliments and empty platitudes. He will not talk like a book. He will not talk for talking’s sake. He will speak for a purpose, and this will enable him easily to concentrate his mind upon the subject of his conversation. He will listen attentively and interestedly to others. Above all, he will not speak of himself unless obliged to do so, and then briefly, modestly, and gently.
In what manner, then, shall he speak” Newman’s definition of a gentleman here rings in our ears: ‘’ He guards against unseasonable allusions or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favors when he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring. He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort; he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.”
This self-discipline begins naturally with deep breathing. Many men do not realize that the manner in which they breathe affects their attitude of mind. It is altogether too common to use but one half of the breathing capacity. A man who breathes only with his upper chest is without the vigor and vitality essential to a high degree of self-confidence. Deep breathing should be practiced daily until it becomes an unconscious habit.
What is the remedy for this dreaded self-consciousness? It is mainly a matter of securing control of one’s thoughts and intelligently directing them. The mind is a machine, which must be made obedient to the owner’s will. When brought under subjection, it will serve man’s highest and best purposes, but left to itself it may run easily to confusion and destruction. Here you perhaps interpose: “But my mind wanders.” Then go after it and bring it back. You say you can not? Who is operating your mind? Does it run itself?
What would you think of a train that had no engineer, no conductor, no one to direct it, and was allowed to run anywhere? Yet this is what you permit with your train of ideas. Be sensible. Take hold of yourself seriously. Set your will to work. Straighten your spine. Take time to-day for mental overhauling. You are about to educate your will and it is serious business. Procrastination will not do. From this time forward resolve to control and direct your mental powers for definite purposes.
Let it be said here, without attempt to moralize, that wrongdoing will contribute its share to self-consciousness. It may be an injury done another, an unfair advantage in business, or a secret habit; but whatever it be, its mark is seared upon the conscience, and sooner or later finds expression in embarrassment. What should one do who comes under this classification? Repair the injury, stop every undesirable habit, and resolve hereafter to deal justly with all men.
Constantly hold in your mind a high estimate of yourself, but be sure you have reasons for doing so. It is of little use to say you are well if you are ill. Do not deceive yourself. You are no greater than the sum of your thoughts and habits. Have you good and sufficient reasons for your self-approbation. Are you a man of noble impulses? Is your ambition lofty? Have you high ideals and do you work persistently to realize them? Are you doing the best you can? Have you an uncompromising love for truth?
A business man recently wrote to a teacher, saying: “I lose control and become embarrassed when I speak even to my own employees, and can not keep a straight face at any time when meeting strangers. I feel embarrassed, turn red in the face, and otherwise feel uncomfortable when talking to a single individual. If I were called upon to address an audience, I believe I should drop dead.” This is an illustration of the extremes to which self-consciousness may carry its victim. The mind is a prolific field for the growth of all kinds of thought. If false and negative ideas are allowed to take root, they, like weeds of an ordinary field, spread with wonderful rapidity, and may easily discourage and overwhelm the owner.
The man to whom we have referred has long neglected his mental field and now finds himself in a bad way. The remedy for him, and for others so situated, is patiently to root out every obnoxious habit and to substitute strong, healthy, positive thoughts in its place. He must at first be content with small victories, since he has permitted his mental field and garden to be overrun with these objectionable thought habits, but he can comfort himself with the assurance that in this way he can and will attain success.
Timid people concern themselves too much about what others will think and say. They are constantly studying the impression they are making upon people who probably are not even thinking of them. Their super sensitiveness causes them to imagine themselves being criticized, slighted, and unfairly condemned by those who all the while are absorbed in their own affairs.
A man may be on the road to success when a single act of timidity may annul all his chances. People lose confidence in him if he lacks faith in himself. Courage is admired, fear never is. Courage is dignified, fear is repulsive. The man of courage is welcomed everywhere, while fear invites itself to a seat in the rear. The following incident actually occurred in a second-hand bookshop. The salesman had been talking for some time to a customer, when another man who had selected a book for himself mustered up enough courage to say: “Don’t let me interrupt you, sir, if you are busy with that gentleman—I wanted to get—this book–but I can just as well call in on my way back–I would have to trouble you anyway–to change–a five-dollar bill–and perhaps–you haven’t–the change-so I’ll come back–in a little while–don’t trouble, sir–and then I’ll have the right change with me.”
This sounds exaggerated, but it can be vouched for. What chance, think you, has such a man as that for advancement or distinction in the world? He is foredoomed to failure unless he changes his entire mental attitude.
Every man should learn to stand firmly upon his own feet. As himself he may become great; as an imitator he will amount to little. “Intellectual intrepidity,” says Samuel Smiles “is one of the vital conditions of independence and self-reliance in character. A man must have the courage to be himself, and not the shadow or the echo of another. He must exercise his own powers, think his own thoughts, and speak his own sentiments. He must elaborate his own opinions, and form his own convictions. It has been said that he who dare not form an opinion must be a coward; he who will not, must be an idler; he who can not, must be a fool.”
The timid man should take inspiration from the experience of many of the world’s greatest orators and actors. For the most part they at first were self-conscious men. Demosthenes, Cicero, Curran, Chalmers, Erskine, Pitt, Gladstone, Disraeli, Mirabeau, Patrick Henry, Clay, Gough, Beecher, Salvini, Henry Irving, Richard Mansfield, and many others were subject to “stage-fright.” But this sensitiveness of nature, when at last controlled and intelligently directed, enabled them to reach a foremost place among distinguished men.
It is said of Rufus Choate, the great lawyer, that before an important address to a jury he looked as nervous and wretched as a criminal about to be hanged. Probably every public speaker who has amounted to anything could testify to this initial feeling of nervousness or anxiety, but the cure lies in becoming so absorbed in one’s subject, or the welfare of others, as to forget one’s self.
Self-consciousness may arise from self conceit. The victim says to himself: “What impression am I making?” “Do I look well?” “What are they thinking and saying about me?” On the other hand, it may be due to extreme humility. Such a man says inwardly: “I am not equal to this,” “I lack so many things,” “If I had only been born right,” “My father was bashful before me,” “I shall surely fail.” Natural diffidence need not necessarily be a stumbling-block to any man. It is a safeguard against rashness, familiarity, and over-confidence.
The evil of extreme self-consciousness is that it makes a man do so many things he does not wish to do. It changes his line of conduct a hundred times a day, makes him say “yes” when he would rather say “no,” and, in short, robs him of his power and individuality.
When Thackeray said that sensitiveness was a great mistake in a public man, he doubtless meant that super sensitiveness by which a man loses initiative, self-reliance, and independence. A self-conscious man must sooner or later rid himself of this fault if he is to be preeminently successful. To this end the student’s attention is next directed to the power of right thinking.