Confidence in Society
Men who live much in solitude are often surprised to find themselves awkward and embarrassed when obliged to enter society. This is particularly noticeable in literary celebrities who perchance forsake their study and books for some social or public function at which they are expected to speak. But the rule applies here as to everything else, that only through practice and familiarity does one acquire ease, grace, and self-confidence.
At first the painter holds his brush with fear and trembling, because of conscious lack of skill. The musician, too, finds his fingers cold and inflexible, for want of training and skill in technique. The student of dancing is awkward and self-conscious while he attempts to imitate the steps of the master. Even the public speaker owes his first embarrassment not to lack of brains and ability, but simply to insufficient practice.
The first thing, therefore, for a man to do to gain self-confidence in society is to move as much as possible among people. He must become one of them, enter into their interests and foibles, be capable of indulging in “small talk” on occasion, and above all know how to be a good listener. By this we mean he should be able to become absorbed in what another is saying, even tho he wish himself elsewhere. Adaptability is the handmaiden of ability in society. If some one tells a story one has heard before, he will not say “I have always enjoyed that so much!” but will laugh heartily over it as if for the first time.
A careful speaker will not accompany his remarks by such expressions as “Don’t you know?” “Listen!” “You see?” “Look here!” “Say!” and other common tricks of speech. If he can not hold the attention of the hearer it is time for him to change his subject or his delivery. Moreover, it is irritating to most persons to be reminded of their inattention and lack of interest. Nor should the listener interject such expressions as “Really!” “You don’t say so!” “Indeed!” and “I declare!” These are objectionable to the speaker, and hinder rather than help him.
There are many men who speak well and fluently to one person at a time, but in the company of many are stricken suddenly dumb and helpless. Their self-consciousness is super induced by a false idea that all eyes are upon them, and that they must necessarily appear to disadvantage. This super sensitiveness sometimes leads to many kinds of foolish fear, rendering the victim awkward and artificial. To this class belongs the blush-persecuted man who mistakenly thinks he is the subject of constant and critical examination. His mind is so completely absorbed in himself that he has no thought for anything else; consequently he blunders, apologizes, and generally misconducts himself.
Be well groomed that you may feel self-confident in your dress and appearance. No man can feel entirely at his ease when he knows he is not attired as he should be. Clothes do not make the man, it is true, but they play an important part in the impression he makes upon others. Dress is an expression of a person’s taste and individuality. A well-fitting suit of clothes may testify to care and good judgment in other matters.
A famous inscription on some ancient gates read on the first gate, “Be bold!” on the second gate, “Be bold, be bold, and evermore be bold!” on the third gate, “Be not too bold!” Likewise in entering the gates of society, one should be self-confident, but not too much so. There is much to learn and observe. There are rights and limitations to be respected. One of the most fatal things is familiarity, which is well said “to breed contempt.” One should take warning from the lines of Cowper wherein he speaks on friendship:
The man that hails you Tom or Jack, And proves, by thumping on your back, His sense of your great merit, Is such a friend that one had need Be very much his friend indeed To pardon, or to bear it.
Inquisitiveness may easily become impertinence. Sarcasm should be used seldom, if at all. It is a dangerous weapon, and sometimes cuts like a two-edged sword. Slang does not lend grace and refinement to speech. Wit and humor should be used sparingly, lest it set a man down as superficial. Bluntness that seems to say, “Who was your father?” before you have been fairly introduced, is a mark of ill-breeding. These and many other little things are worthy of care from one who essays to bear himself self-confidently before others.
In society one must talk upon a great variety of subjects. A man should, therefore, have a sort of “current-events” education. His newspaper and magazine will give him information upon topics of the day, and these may be supplemented with special books and reviews.
Society is the schoolhouse of good manners. We recognize the breeding of a man first, and his abilities afterward. Intimate association with one’s fellow men develops courtesy and magnanimity.
“How sweet and gracious, even in common speech, Is that fine sense which men call Courtesy! Wholesome as air and genial as the light, Welcome in every clime as breath of flowers, it transmutes aliens into trusting friends, and gives its owner passport round the globe.”
Unfailing courtesy teaches a man to say the right word and to do the right thing. This is the politeness that has been called “benevolence in little things.” Emerson says: ‘’ There are certain manners which are learned in good society, of that force, that, if a person have them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though without beauty, or wealth, or genius.” It is society that teaches a man the art of pleasing, which
Chesterfield said was the art of rising, of distinguishing one’s self, of making a figure and a fortune in the world. A sincere speaker may pay a delicate compliment without descending to flattery. A word of well-deserved praise is always acceptable, and makes a man forever welcome in the society of good people. Politics and theology are not safe subjects for easy conversation. A contradictory man is usually counted a bore and a nuisance. You perhaps venture the opinion that it will rain, but he tells you firmly he doesn’t think so. Again, there is the arrogant man, whose word is law, and who resents the slightest opposition. When he stalks forth, the only thing to do is to subside into silence and let him stalk and talk.
The man with the too long story will be made uncomfortable in intelligent society. An English writer, in speaking of London society, says pointedly: “Topics are treated lightly and, above all, briefly. If you want to preach a sermon, you must get into a pulpit or a newspaper; preach it at table you can not. You may tell a story, but you must, in Hayward’s phrase, cut it to the bone. If you do not cut it short, you will be cut into and before you are half-way through; another man will have begun and finished his, and your audience will have gone over to the enemy.” When a man is known for too long storytelling he is regarded as insufferable and is generally avoided.
The experience of Lord Chesterfield should encourage any man desirous of becoming self-confident in society. At first he was exceedingly awkward and almost frightened “out of his wits.” He bowed obsequiously; thought himself beneath others, suspected every whisper was about him and his particular defects. But he persevered, through many and seemingly insurmountable difficulties, and became, as all know, the most polished gentleman of his day. But with all one’s superiority the basis must ever lie in simplicity.
The test of a truly great man is his humility. An English woman of keen observation says: “I have never yet come across a person really far above the average, either mentally or morally, who ever became too big for his boots or his Bible.” Self-assertion should never be substituted for self-confidence. No one cares to listen long to a man clothed in infallibility, or who prates much about himself. When Charles Kingsley was asked what were his favorite topics of conversation, he answered, “Whatever my companion happens to be talking about.” A man should be ready for self-effacement, whenever that may be necessary. It is the unpretentious man that most easily wins favor.
A bashful man should purposely seek the society of women. Their refining influence will tend to bring out the best that is in him, to polish off the rough places, and to lift him to higher ideals. Many of the world’s greatest men have testified to their indebtedness to women, not only for practical help, but for those higher spiritual qualities that transform men into heroes. No man should live unto himself. Silence and solitude if long protracted have a depressing effect upon all the noblest elements in a man.
Let a man, then, go into society with lofty spirit and magnanimous bearing, and these qualities will be reflected back to him. Too high-minded for petty things, he will see the best in others and they will see the best in him. Finally, let him carry in his heart the inspiring song of Lowell:
‘’ Be noble! and the nobleness that lies in other men, sleeping, but never dead, will rise in majesty to meet thine own.”